Aaaaah spring! Blossoming trees, gambolling lambs, the fucking dawn chorus! Time to put away those winter woollies (which frankly, were not needed this year anyway due to global warming) and dig out those skimpy summery clothes which perfectly showcase your unshaven pale pins. Why not slip your feet into casual sandals despite not having time to paint over your chipped nail polish. Whaddya mean ‘let’s go for a picnic’? Ok, you bring the blanket and I’ll provide the muffin tops!
It’s always fabulous to welcome a new season, particularly when the last was so grey, dismal and long. But the pressure! Man, the pressure of facing a spring summer wardrobe which you can’t pull up past your knees due to a year of childbearing. Clothes that if you do manage to squeeze into smell of mothballs and damp due to being kept in inadequate storage for 18 months and which you find yourself needing to be cut out of after eating lunch.
But don’t despair! Stepping out in this season’s make-up colours is a way of giving yourself a refresh while you continually strive to fit back into that summer frock that you never really liked in the first place. Fresh-faced my arse, whack on the slap and nobody will guess that the baby has decided sleep is for losers and your four-year-old has taken to haunting the night hours due to the glorious sun breaking through a tiny gap in her blackout blinds.
Got a beach holiday planned? Lucky you! Don’t forget that your old swimsuit may pinch in places you didn’t know you had. But yay! That means you can go swimsuit shopping – the cute cutout cossie is all the rage this year, so you’ll definitely not be able to find anything other than a string one-piece with barely-there panels or, in BHS only, a granny-flattering item with a built in skirt, modesty panel and incontinence pad.
Don’t forget the industrial hedge trimmer to tame your bush – while you may have been rocking the cave woman look quite happily for the past year, it’s only courtesy to everyone else you ever meet to bring yourself into the hairless 21st century for summer!
Luckily, if you have any doubts, there are the Kardashians showing us how motherhood is done. Check out Kim, she has lost three-times her body weight since December, is as smooth as her baby’s bum and never seems to have puke on her shoulder. But ladies, don’t think she’s not one of us – she still has 20lbs to go – so in the name of summer she’s living off lettuce leaves and water between now and that 2016 bespoke LBD with her baby-mama name on it!
Finally, don’t forget to protect your peepers with some enormous shades which conceal even the most heinous of eyebags and crow’s feet. And don’t forget your SPF 50 – we don’t want to age prematurely, particularly when wearing your flirty one-piece at the beach!